This chapter explores the premise that "happiness is determined more by one's state of mind than by external events". That happiness, in fact depends on "how we perceive our situation and how satisfied we are with what we have". These ideas struck a chord with me. For those of you that know me, my financial situation is less than ideal. After running up an obscene amount of student loan debt in my 20s, most of our income goes to paying off those debts. This has led to us postponing buying a house, which at first devastated me. I grew up in my parent's house, which they bought as newly weds. Most of my married friends owned houses. Even younger cousins were buying houses. I felt left out. I felt that I was less of a person, a failure, because I did not own a house. It was a horrible, constant feeling. It was actually my husband that helped change my way of thinking. He is actually a very Zen being. His point of view is that you can either give something the power to ruin you, or you can be in charge of yourself. We could let the fact that we didn't own our own home be a constant source of despair, or we could own that fact and look for the positive. Once I came around to that way of thinking, things weren't so bad. We lived in a rented home, but it was a nice home. In a nice neighborhood. With nice neighbors. Our kids were happy. We were all healthy. We had a lot to be thankful for. And the house of our own? It would come when it was supposed to. This all tied in with another principle explored in the book. That "our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare". Jealousy and constant comparison were one of my faults to work on. I was constantly comparing myself to friends, family, strangers. I am overweight and have a neck problem that leaves me looking like I constantly have a stiff neck. I never really thought of myself as different, but I look at pictures or videos of myself, and it's painfully apparent. I obsessed about my looks, longed to be "average". Having low self esteem was my constant reality. It started to eat at my marriage, as I was always comparing myself to other women that I thought my husband would be more attracted to. He was always reassuring. I gradually came to see that he loved me. The real me. Despite my flaws, physical, mental, emotional---he loved the complete package. With that love as a foundation, I gradually began to see myself in a new light. I may be far from perfect, but I am a good person, and I try to do good with my life. All that I can do is be a good wife, a good mother, and a good friend. I have family and friends that appreciate who I am and the things I do. And I am thankful for that.
Being on this journey has also influenced my feelings of happiness. It has caused me to really strive to identify the things that I feel lead to my happiness. The book encourages you to "identify those factors that lead to happiness and those that lead to suffering....gradually work to eliminate those factors that lead to suffer and cultivate those things that lead to happiness". Ah, do we feel a chart coming on? Yes we do!
I sat down and made a list of things that lead to my happiness and those that brought me suffering. My husband, my children, my friends, my job, my writing, all things that lead to my feelings of happiness. Negative self-talk, negative people, feeling persecuted, feeling alone, all obviously led to suffering. Then I tried to look at my day...what were some of the things that affected my daily happiness. Finding time to write, enjoying my husband and children, gardening, music, art, not feeling rushed, yoga, meditation and prayer---all things that led to my feeling happy on a given day. Being rushed, overwhelmed, letting little things irritate me, feeling like things were spiraling out of control, a negative comment, feeling lost in housework, obsessing over my weight---all things that easily derail my day. How to work on cultivating the positive and eliminating the negative? Well, the chart helps. Meditating and praying about it helps. I decided to bring my white board into this. In my kitchen I have a huge white board to write daily schedules, important reminders, and inspirational quotes on. I decided to write it out every time I had a negative experience. Feeling fat? Write it out, then contrast it with 2 positive things. I am creative and I have a beautiful personality. It was weird at first, but then it started to be an automatic event in my head. Not that I don't have negative thoughts or negative circumstances, but it helps to put them in perspective.
Concentrating so much on myself, I found that my earlier mindful acts of kindness had fallen by the wayside. How to re-energize my earlier mindset? The book encourages "a simple willingness to reach out to others, to create a feeling of affinity and good will, even in the briefest of encounters'. Think small. That seemed easier to handle. I went back to the little things. Letting a car go ahead of me in traffic. Leaving a larger tip than usual at the coffee shop. Saying "yes" to my kids instead of always an automatic "no". Concentrating on the little things began to have an effect. I was smiling more. I was laughing more. Good things.
Then my daily mood swings of my disorder took on a more permanent hold with a deep depression. I lost all interest in my journey. I couldn't write. I couldn't create, lost interest in music and art. I was constantly irritated by my husband and children---and everyone else. I just wanted to be alone and miserable. Med changes didn't help. Nothing was helping. I started wanting out of the depression, but just couldn't do it. It had also been raining. A lot. And in addition to its' effect on my depression, the rain also had an effect on my neck and back, increasing feelings of pain. I was certainly miserable. Then, last Friday, the sun came out. I forced myself to go to my son's Mother's Day poetry event at school. He wrote me the most beautiful poem, painting me as a kind and loving Mom. I honestly didn't know that he felt that way, at least I couldn't see it through my depression. It brought me to tears. Then I had my psych/therapy appointment. As I talked about what was bothering me, I started to see a way out. While I couldn't control for all of my depressed feelings, I could take small steps toward happiness. I bought Mother's Day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. I went to writing group and encouraged my friends. I picked the kids up at school, ignored their squabbling, and took them out for ice cream. The waitress was snappy when she took our order, and my first thought was to take her to task for her rude attitude, but I stopped myself, telling myself that she was just having a bad day, that it wasn't pointed at us. I made sure to be very polite and smile. Reminded the kids of their manners, so she was showered with good will. The result? She fixed our check to be only $5 (for 4 large sundaes!). I returned the favor with a generous tip. I may have gone into the restaurant a little leery, but I left feeling warm and happy. I went home to finish chapter 2, and found this passage: "You can relate to (fellow human beings) because you are still a human being, within the human community. You share that bond. And that human bond is enough to give rise to a sense of worth and dignity. That bond can become a source of consolation in the event that you lose everything else."
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