"We don't need more money, we don't need greater success or fame, we don't need the perfect body or even the perfect mate--right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the equipment we need to achieve complete happiness"
One of the last things in Chapter 2 was to find out what we were seeking in life for happiness. I took out my journal and wrote, aside from the obvious healthy, happy family: to practice yoga more deeply, to finish launching my yoga career, to master an instrument, and to write. I've been looking at it each day since then and so far it has had a small effect. I've gotten up early to do yoga in the morning before the kids are up. I stop to write down ideas for my writing, instead of thinking "oh, I'll just remember that later". I've noodled around with my guitar and djembe drum. Not huge changes, but small ones that have made me, well, happier. I've also written "Prana" (which means "breath") on my big whiteboard to remind myself to breathe through out the day---deep, rich, energizing breaths, and calming breaths when things get out of hand.
As for Chapter 3. The book lists the "first step in seeking happiness is learning". It implores the reader to realize how harmful negative emotions can be. This was a tough one for me. My depressions and delusions get so severe, that I feel powerless against the negative thoughts. I have tried writing the negative thoughts down and then contrasting with positive ones, but sometimes that is too tough. This is one I will have to wrestle with for a while. It's hard to read "the secret to my own happiness, my own good future, is within my own hands...I must not miss that opportunity" when you feel like your life is spiraling out of control.
In this chapter, the Dalai Lama and Dr. Cutler discuss "healthy minds". Healthy, well-adjusted people. What they are like. The Dalai Lama states that "If you maintain a feeling of compassion, loving kindness, then something automatically opens your inner door. Through that, you can communicate much more easily with other people. And that feeling of warmth creates a kind of openness. You'll find that all human beings are just like you, so you'll be able to relate to them more easily". Wow. I have always had the gift of empathy. I can connect with people on their deepest level, even feeling their deepest emotions when they are relating to me. I admit, it does make me feel that I am more like other people. But that isn't always the case. When I'm depressed, or paranoid, I feel like there is no one I can relate to. That nobody understands me or could possibly fathom what I am going through. That's when I feel most alone.
The Dalai Lama's basic principle for mental discipline was:
1. identify and cultivate positive mental states and
2. identify and eliminate negative mental states
The practice of Dharma. So,I have my list from before, things that are positive about me and things that I'd like to improve. To build from there. To do it without a list. I started writing in my journal my complete, unedited thoughts when I was being negative, and also when I was being positive. I found that when I went back to read them, I could hardly believe that the negative comments came from me. They seemed so dark, so hopeless. Meditation also has helped. I breathe in a positive mantra and breathe out a negative feeling that is bothering me. Prayer helps too, I have developed this habbit of crossing myself whenever I have a negative thought so that God will take it away. All of this, of course, is ongoing. Change takes time.
The Dalai Lama goes on to suggest that "Everyday, as soon as you get up, you can develop a sincere positive motivation, thinking 'I will utilize this day in a positive way. I should not waste this very day'. And then, at night before bed, check what you've done, asking yourself 'Did I utilize this day as I planned?' If it went accordingly, then rejoice. If it went wrong, then regret what you did as you critique the day". Starting the day with a positive mantra, that wasn't too bad. Just think a few positive things, imagine the positive things I was going to do with my day, it made me happy. And thinking about them, talking to myself about them, seemed to make the positive things happen more often. It was the evening that was hard. When things did go bad, the last thing I wanted to do before bed was think about it. So, I tried this: I would find the negative and contrast it with a positive. And if I didn't have anything to contrast it with, I crossed myself and gave it up to God. Now do I do this every night and every morning? No, not yet. But the book suggests that with regular repetition and practice, new nerve cells are activated which change the neural connections that had originally been involved in the task. That is my goal. If I can get into regular practice, I can literally change my brain.
The book also touches upon religious aspects, which I am currently struggling with. What I like about this philosophy so far, is that it doesn't have an outward imposed moral judgment on emotions (such as negative thoughts are evil, or coveting is a sin), but that emotions are just negative or positive, simply on the basis of whether they lead to our ultimate happiness. The discipline involved is not imposed, but self-discipline, applied to overcome negative qualities. Simply striving to replace negative thoughts and acts with positive thoughts and acts. Essentially, the teachings of Jesus, in a nutshell. It just feels like major religion (I'm a Catholic), has lost it's prestige and influence to some degree. Less people seem to attend church. I have not been able to bring myself to go--just can't seem to capture that "feeling" like I used to. It seems like the world is inundated with reasons not to believe in anything. But at the same time, there have been no alternatives put in place, no secular ethics. If anything, our pre-occupation with the negative (whether it be the economy, reality tv, or world issues) should in fact lead us closer to religion. I think that we have forgotten that human nature is fundamentally compassionate, because we see so few demonstrations of it in our daily dose of media.
The Dalai Lama writes that "How we perceive ourselves, through learning and understanding,can have a real impact on how we interact with others and how we conduct our daily lives". I think that is what I'll end with. If nothing else, it is my hope in undertaking this journey, that I will change myself from within, and therefore the world around me.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Chapter 2: The Sources of Happiness
This chapter explores the premise that "happiness is determined more by one's state of mind than by external events". That happiness, in fact depends on "how we perceive our situation and how satisfied we are with what we have". These ideas struck a chord with me. For those of you that know me, my financial situation is less than ideal. After running up an obscene amount of student loan debt in my 20s, most of our income goes to paying off those debts. This has led to us postponing buying a house, which at first devastated me. I grew up in my parent's house, which they bought as newly weds. Most of my married friends owned houses. Even younger cousins were buying houses. I felt left out. I felt that I was less of a person, a failure, because I did not own a house. It was a horrible, constant feeling. It was actually my husband that helped change my way of thinking. He is actually a very Zen being. His point of view is that you can either give something the power to ruin you, or you can be in charge of yourself. We could let the fact that we didn't own our own home be a constant source of despair, or we could own that fact and look for the positive. Once I came around to that way of thinking, things weren't so bad. We lived in a rented home, but it was a nice home. In a nice neighborhood. With nice neighbors. Our kids were happy. We were all healthy. We had a lot to be thankful for. And the house of our own? It would come when it was supposed to. This all tied in with another principle explored in the book. That "our feelings of contentment are strongly influenced by our tendency to compare". Jealousy and constant comparison were one of my faults to work on. I was constantly comparing myself to friends, family, strangers. I am overweight and have a neck problem that leaves me looking like I constantly have a stiff neck. I never really thought of myself as different, but I look at pictures or videos of myself, and it's painfully apparent. I obsessed about my looks, longed to be "average". Having low self esteem was my constant reality. It started to eat at my marriage, as I was always comparing myself to other women that I thought my husband would be more attracted to. He was always reassuring. I gradually came to see that he loved me. The real me. Despite my flaws, physical, mental, emotional---he loved the complete package. With that love as a foundation, I gradually began to see myself in a new light. I may be far from perfect, but I am a good person, and I try to do good with my life. All that I can do is be a good wife, a good mother, and a good friend. I have family and friends that appreciate who I am and the things I do. And I am thankful for that.
Being on this journey has also influenced my feelings of happiness. It has caused me to really strive to identify the things that I feel lead to my happiness. The book encourages you to "identify those factors that lead to happiness and those that lead to suffering....gradually work to eliminate those factors that lead to suffer and cultivate those things that lead to happiness". Ah, do we feel a chart coming on? Yes we do!
I sat down and made a list of things that lead to my happiness and those that brought me suffering. My husband, my children, my friends, my job, my writing, all things that lead to my feelings of happiness. Negative self-talk, negative people, feeling persecuted, feeling alone, all obviously led to suffering. Then I tried to look at my day...what were some of the things that affected my daily happiness. Finding time to write, enjoying my husband and children, gardening, music, art, not feeling rushed, yoga, meditation and prayer---all things that led to my feeling happy on a given day. Being rushed, overwhelmed, letting little things irritate me, feeling like things were spiraling out of control, a negative comment, feeling lost in housework, obsessing over my weight---all things that easily derail my day. How to work on cultivating the positive and eliminating the negative? Well, the chart helps. Meditating and praying about it helps. I decided to bring my white board into this. In my kitchen I have a huge white board to write daily schedules, important reminders, and inspirational quotes on. I decided to write it out every time I had a negative experience. Feeling fat? Write it out, then contrast it with 2 positive things. I am creative and I have a beautiful personality. It was weird at first, but then it started to be an automatic event in my head. Not that I don't have negative thoughts or negative circumstances, but it helps to put them in perspective.
Concentrating so much on myself, I found that my earlier mindful acts of kindness had fallen by the wayside. How to re-energize my earlier mindset? The book encourages "a simple willingness to reach out to others, to create a feeling of affinity and good will, even in the briefest of encounters'. Think small. That seemed easier to handle. I went back to the little things. Letting a car go ahead of me in traffic. Leaving a larger tip than usual at the coffee shop. Saying "yes" to my kids instead of always an automatic "no". Concentrating on the little things began to have an effect. I was smiling more. I was laughing more. Good things.
Then my daily mood swings of my disorder took on a more permanent hold with a deep depression. I lost all interest in my journey. I couldn't write. I couldn't create, lost interest in music and art. I was constantly irritated by my husband and children---and everyone else. I just wanted to be alone and miserable. Med changes didn't help. Nothing was helping. I started wanting out of the depression, but just couldn't do it. It had also been raining. A lot. And in addition to its' effect on my depression, the rain also had an effect on my neck and back, increasing feelings of pain. I was certainly miserable. Then, last Friday, the sun came out. I forced myself to go to my son's Mother's Day poetry event at school. He wrote me the most beautiful poem, painting me as a kind and loving Mom. I honestly didn't know that he felt that way, at least I couldn't see it through my depression. It brought me to tears. Then I had my psych/therapy appointment. As I talked about what was bothering me, I started to see a way out. While I couldn't control for all of my depressed feelings, I could take small steps toward happiness. I bought Mother's Day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. I went to writing group and encouraged my friends. I picked the kids up at school, ignored their squabbling, and took them out for ice cream. The waitress was snappy when she took our order, and my first thought was to take her to task for her rude attitude, but I stopped myself, telling myself that she was just having a bad day, that it wasn't pointed at us. I made sure to be very polite and smile. Reminded the kids of their manners, so she was showered with good will. The result? She fixed our check to be only $5 (for 4 large sundaes!). I returned the favor with a generous tip. I may have gone into the restaurant a little leery, but I left feeling warm and happy. I went home to finish chapter 2, and found this passage: "You can relate to (fellow human beings) because you are still a human being, within the human community. You share that bond. And that human bond is enough to give rise to a sense of worth and dignity. That bond can become a source of consolation in the event that you lose everything else."
Being on this journey has also influenced my feelings of happiness. It has caused me to really strive to identify the things that I feel lead to my happiness. The book encourages you to "identify those factors that lead to happiness and those that lead to suffering....gradually work to eliminate those factors that lead to suffer and cultivate those things that lead to happiness". Ah, do we feel a chart coming on? Yes we do!
I sat down and made a list of things that lead to my happiness and those that brought me suffering. My husband, my children, my friends, my job, my writing, all things that lead to my feelings of happiness. Negative self-talk, negative people, feeling persecuted, feeling alone, all obviously led to suffering. Then I tried to look at my day...what were some of the things that affected my daily happiness. Finding time to write, enjoying my husband and children, gardening, music, art, not feeling rushed, yoga, meditation and prayer---all things that led to my feeling happy on a given day. Being rushed, overwhelmed, letting little things irritate me, feeling like things were spiraling out of control, a negative comment, feeling lost in housework, obsessing over my weight---all things that easily derail my day. How to work on cultivating the positive and eliminating the negative? Well, the chart helps. Meditating and praying about it helps. I decided to bring my white board into this. In my kitchen I have a huge white board to write daily schedules, important reminders, and inspirational quotes on. I decided to write it out every time I had a negative experience. Feeling fat? Write it out, then contrast it with 2 positive things. I am creative and I have a beautiful personality. It was weird at first, but then it started to be an automatic event in my head. Not that I don't have negative thoughts or negative circumstances, but it helps to put them in perspective.
Concentrating so much on myself, I found that my earlier mindful acts of kindness had fallen by the wayside. How to re-energize my earlier mindset? The book encourages "a simple willingness to reach out to others, to create a feeling of affinity and good will, even in the briefest of encounters'. Think small. That seemed easier to handle. I went back to the little things. Letting a car go ahead of me in traffic. Leaving a larger tip than usual at the coffee shop. Saying "yes" to my kids instead of always an automatic "no". Concentrating on the little things began to have an effect. I was smiling more. I was laughing more. Good things.
Then my daily mood swings of my disorder took on a more permanent hold with a deep depression. I lost all interest in my journey. I couldn't write. I couldn't create, lost interest in music and art. I was constantly irritated by my husband and children---and everyone else. I just wanted to be alone and miserable. Med changes didn't help. Nothing was helping. I started wanting out of the depression, but just couldn't do it. It had also been raining. A lot. And in addition to its' effect on my depression, the rain also had an effect on my neck and back, increasing feelings of pain. I was certainly miserable. Then, last Friday, the sun came out. I forced myself to go to my son's Mother's Day poetry event at school. He wrote me the most beautiful poem, painting me as a kind and loving Mom. I honestly didn't know that he felt that way, at least I couldn't see it through my depression. It brought me to tears. Then I had my psych/therapy appointment. As I talked about what was bothering me, I started to see a way out. While I couldn't control for all of my depressed feelings, I could take small steps toward happiness. I bought Mother's Day cards for my mom and mother-in-law. I went to writing group and encouraged my friends. I picked the kids up at school, ignored their squabbling, and took them out for ice cream. The waitress was snappy when she took our order, and my first thought was to take her to task for her rude attitude, but I stopped myself, telling myself that she was just having a bad day, that it wasn't pointed at us. I made sure to be very polite and smile. Reminded the kids of their manners, so she was showered with good will. The result? She fixed our check to be only $5 (for 4 large sundaes!). I returned the favor with a generous tip. I may have gone into the restaurant a little leery, but I left feeling warm and happy. I went home to finish chapter 2, and found this passage: "You can relate to (fellow human beings) because you are still a human being, within the human community. You share that bond. And that human bond is enough to give rise to a sense of worth and dignity. That bond can become a source of consolation in the event that you lose everything else."
Monday, April 25, 2011
so far...
Just a quick note to let you know how things are going. I've been much more kind and mindful to myself and other people. Good things seem to be happening---am seeing more good in the world. Having my strengths and flaws written out has been inspiring. When I feel like everything is spiraling out of control, I look at the list. It's also very humbling to recognize your faults. I've always been so caught up in hiding them, that I hadn't explored them or given them attention. Now when I feel one of the faults coming on, I recognize it and can work to change it. I'll be back later to blog on Chapter 2 :)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
another quick note...
Been really busy this week taking care of kids and grandmother...but still trying to be more kind and mindful...just to show that karma does exist...I've been going out of my way to be mindful of others and the other day was on my way home to start yard work (which kills my already injured back...). When I pulled into the driveway, my brother's work crew was hard at work on my lawn! He actually had his landscaping crew landscape my lawn...without me asking!!! I was so happy!!!
Friday, April 15, 2011
A quick note...
I'm falling behind on my entries because my internet service has been quirky. I only have a quick minute, but wanted to share something before I sit down and tackle chapter 2.
I had the most beautiful, amazing yoga experience today. Fridays are "my day for me"...all of the kids are in school. I have my psychiatry appointment and my writing group. And I have my longest yoga practice (at home) for the week (most days it's 20 to 30 minutes, squeezed in between chores and kids...).
Today I decided to put on one of the direct tv stations that I hadn't listened to a while called New Age. The music this morning was beautiful. I set up my mat in front of the bay windows in the living room with the curtains closed so that just a soft light fell on me. I started my practice, able to stretch more than I have in a while. I was amazed by what my body could do. Nose to feet in lotus position. Complete downward dog in aligned position. Then I started my flow sequence. I did the moon sequence because my back had been hurting and I didn't think I could handle my other favorite, sun salutation. I closed my eyes (I always do when I practice yoga) and started the flow. My body responded with great happiness. I moved through the moves gracefully and felt my body thanking me. Then an amazing thing happened. As I was practicing, I started to smell sandalwood and patchouli. Now, I don't have any incense or candles in my house right now (ran out) and haven't for a while. The smell just kept wafting up and around me and I just smiled, so happy. I continued my practice until it was time for savasana. I laid down to rest and decided I would just do if for the duration of the next song. Then, more amazement. It was a happy melody, full of flute and nature sounds. I started to think "this melody sounds very yellow". Behind my closed eyes, the most brilliant yellow started swirling around. It was all different shades of yellow, from light daffodil to rich lemon. I decided to stay resting for the next melody. This melody was richer and had more instruments. I thought to myself "this melody sounds very purple". Then, just as before, purple started swirling behind my closed eyes. Dark purple, light purple, all shades, just swirling and moving in a beautiful little show. I couldn't help but smile.
Now, I'm off for my day and I feel so happy and alive. I will try to get online later to write about my experience with Chapter 2.
Peace!
I had the most beautiful, amazing yoga experience today. Fridays are "my day for me"...all of the kids are in school. I have my psychiatry appointment and my writing group. And I have my longest yoga practice (at home) for the week (most days it's 20 to 30 minutes, squeezed in between chores and kids...).
Today I decided to put on one of the direct tv stations that I hadn't listened to a while called New Age. The music this morning was beautiful. I set up my mat in front of the bay windows in the living room with the curtains closed so that just a soft light fell on me. I started my practice, able to stretch more than I have in a while. I was amazed by what my body could do. Nose to feet in lotus position. Complete downward dog in aligned position. Then I started my flow sequence. I did the moon sequence because my back had been hurting and I didn't think I could handle my other favorite, sun salutation. I closed my eyes (I always do when I practice yoga) and started the flow. My body responded with great happiness. I moved through the moves gracefully and felt my body thanking me. Then an amazing thing happened. As I was practicing, I started to smell sandalwood and patchouli. Now, I don't have any incense or candles in my house right now (ran out) and haven't for a while. The smell just kept wafting up and around me and I just smiled, so happy. I continued my practice until it was time for savasana. I laid down to rest and decided I would just do if for the duration of the next song. Then, more amazement. It was a happy melody, full of flute and nature sounds. I started to think "this melody sounds very yellow". Behind my closed eyes, the most brilliant yellow started swirling around. It was all different shades of yellow, from light daffodil to rich lemon. I decided to stay resting for the next melody. This melody was richer and had more instruments. I thought to myself "this melody sounds very purple". Then, just as before, purple started swirling behind my closed eyes. Dark purple, light purple, all shades, just swirling and moving in a beautiful little show. I couldn't help but smile.
Now, I'm off for my day and I feel so happy and alive. I will try to get online later to write about my experience with Chapter 2.
Peace!
Monday, April 11, 2011
The Art of Happiness--Chapter One--The Right to Happiness
We are all familiar with our country's right to the pursuit of happiness. But how many of us are actually in pursuit? What is the secret of being happy?
I feel that before we can be truly happy, we must first give ourselves permission to do so. Being raised Catholic, I was brought up feeling a lot of guilt. Guilt for my sins. Guilt for my thoughts. Guilt for my actions. Being happy, I felt guilty because there were those out there who were not happy, who were suffering, and what right did I have to be happy?
In this first chapter of the book, Dr. Cutler asks the Dalai Lama if he is happy. "Yes, definitely" is his reply. Then Dr. Cutler asks about the suffering of many people, unhappy people, who do harm to themselves despite the hurt it brings them. There is talk of the goals of pyschotherapy, being to alleviate depression but not having a goal of happiness. That is something I can vouch for. I am bipolar, severely, and have seen a psychiatrist for therapy for five years. Our talks are always bringing me to the point where I can "cope". I am one of those people, those hurting souls, that have hurt myself, that have tried to commit suicide. I have been hospitalized three times in the last 5 years. I have been asked many questions, given many suggestions, but never been asked if I am happy, or how I might think I could get there.
The Dalai Lama suggests that this lack of coaching for happiness is because Western medicine looks solely at this lifetime. He talks of the Tibetan word Sem, which broadly defined means "psyche" or "spirit". He speaks of how past imprints from childhood and past lives can affect this life. He also points out that by begining to identify the factors which lead to happiness and those factors which lead to suffering, we can then gradually elimate those factors which lead to suffering, and cultivate those factors which lead to happiness. Simple, yet missing from so many therapy practices.
How often have we been in line for coffee or at the grocery store and we completely ignore those people in line around us? The Dalai Lama speaks of personal happiness which can be as simple as reaching out to others, creating a feeling of community and good will, even if these encounters are brief. Scientific studies also showed that people who felt happy were more likely to help others.
What will I take from this chapter?
1. I will list the factors that foster suffering in my life, and list those that bring me happiness. I will hang this list in a prominent place and try to reduce the negative factors and increase the positive factors.
2. I will try to reach out to others, even for simple and brief encounters. I will foster community and good will.
I feel that before we can be truly happy, we must first give ourselves permission to do so. Being raised Catholic, I was brought up feeling a lot of guilt. Guilt for my sins. Guilt for my thoughts. Guilt for my actions. Being happy, I felt guilty because there were those out there who were not happy, who were suffering, and what right did I have to be happy?
In this first chapter of the book, Dr. Cutler asks the Dalai Lama if he is happy. "Yes, definitely" is his reply. Then Dr. Cutler asks about the suffering of many people, unhappy people, who do harm to themselves despite the hurt it brings them. There is talk of the goals of pyschotherapy, being to alleviate depression but not having a goal of happiness. That is something I can vouch for. I am bipolar, severely, and have seen a psychiatrist for therapy for five years. Our talks are always bringing me to the point where I can "cope". I am one of those people, those hurting souls, that have hurt myself, that have tried to commit suicide. I have been hospitalized three times in the last 5 years. I have been asked many questions, given many suggestions, but never been asked if I am happy, or how I might think I could get there.
The Dalai Lama suggests that this lack of coaching for happiness is because Western medicine looks solely at this lifetime. He talks of the Tibetan word Sem, which broadly defined means "psyche" or "spirit". He speaks of how past imprints from childhood and past lives can affect this life. He also points out that by begining to identify the factors which lead to happiness and those factors which lead to suffering, we can then gradually elimate those factors which lead to suffering, and cultivate those factors which lead to happiness. Simple, yet missing from so many therapy practices.
How often have we been in line for coffee or at the grocery store and we completely ignore those people in line around us? The Dalai Lama speaks of personal happiness which can be as simple as reaching out to others, creating a feeling of community and good will, even if these encounters are brief. Scientific studies also showed that people who felt happy were more likely to help others.
What will I take from this chapter?
1. I will list the factors that foster suffering in my life, and list those that bring me happiness. I will hang this list in a prominent place and try to reduce the negative factors and increase the positive factors.
2. I will try to reach out to others, even for simple and brief encounters. I will foster community and good will.
starting the journey...
Well, I mistakingly thought that writing a blog would somehow bring me closer to living more happily, peacefully, and meaningfully. It was far too easy to keep putting off writing. I've decided to start a journey of sorts. I am going to pick an inspirational book and blog about my experiences in trying to follow them. The first book I am going to read is called "The Art of Happiness" by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D. Now, I am not a Buddhist, in fact, I am a lapsed Catholic. Part of my journey is going to be redefining my faith. I believe in God. I believe in the goodness of people. I have trouble with the rules for life in the confines of the Catholic Church. But maybe, after all of this, it will be the place that I find I belong. Maybe it will bring me to Buddhism. Maybe another religion altogether. My only hope is that I learn to bring more happiness, peace, and meaning to my life and the life of my family.
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